Just some bullshit...

Go down

Just some bullshit...

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 18, 2010 8:25 am

Hey... I tried this on FS but no-one here said anything... Not that I'd expect you to... Anyway, I mostly want to rant and clog server space, but if you feel like listening that's fine...
I think I have some degree of Bipolar Disorder... I feel normal a lot of the time, but sometimes I feel like shit, like now... I just feel so worthless... For instance, the only thing I did all day was sit on my ass and eat junk food... What a waste of a life... I'm lucky I'm scared of heights or I'd throw myself off a building for being so useless...
Also, I get very lonely... I've never had a romantic relationship that lasted more than 4 weeks, even then it was only one, and I was away for 2 weeks, so... I've never been kissed, and I feel stupid for wording it like that because what I should be writting is 'I've never kissed a female', but even if the most attractive girl in the world threw herself at me I probably couldn't do it, so Yeah... I have masculinity issues... And I can't take risks... I can't stand the idea of gambling anything... And I'm paranoid... And one of my friends says she's going to try and kill herself in a few weeks, so that isn't helping...
I have good moments too, but I'm in a bad one at present so it's difficult to remember or try and feel happiness without more pain...
Um... Yeah, I just feel like I'm worth nothing... I feel like if I threw myself off a building no-one would look sideways...
I think the worst part is, though, that I say (or want to say) this kind of stuff to people for sympathy... I feel like it's the only attention I can get... When I get it, I feel bad because I exaggurate stuff to get it, and when I don't I feel like no-one cares...
I don't want to talk to a psychologist (I believe all they want is money or they wouldn't charge you), and my friends (The whole 2 of them)... Well, one wants to die, and the other isn't responding to me at the moment... I can't talk to my family because they'd laugh at me... I'm not making that up, I swear. When I first told my mum I wanted to die she laughed at me...
Oh, I also hate my appearance. I refuse to let people take my photo because I think I look repulsive, and the first thing that pops into my head when I look in a mirror is 'Gods, look how ugly I am'... Sometimes I starve myself... Not sure if that's related... Then I eat a ton and feel like a fat pig...
I try and try to help my friend who wants to die... She's beautiful (another thing I hate about myself; I'm about as shallow as they come... Probably doesn't help with the loneliness thing, but I can't love anyone I don't like the look of... Then I call myself disgusting and hide my tears), and guys are all over her... I figure if she wants to die, what chance have I got? If she's so beautiful she's got guys throwing themselves at her, and she wants to die, then I've got no chance because I'm hideous... And I guess there's a difference between the sexes but my point is still valid...
Also, I hate everything. I hate my room, how I look, what I do (or more accurately, don't do), how I sit/stand. I hate that I'm boring. I hate how much I love romance but will never experience it... I hate how I hate things...
Back onto the girl (Her name's Eliza), I feel pathetic for not being able to help her... I think I failed her as a friend, which makes sense because everything I touch turns to shit...
*Sigh* That's about it for now, I guess... This thread'll go unnoticed, I hope. That'll give me another excuse to kill myself...
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now. Makes the pain worse, but I deserve it. Night all...

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Just some bullshit...

Post  astilaborshadow on Sat Dec 18, 2010 8:53 am

i have what i hope will be some helpful advice, you have more than you really realise, there are people in the world that barely have enough to stay alive yet are willing to share what they have with strangers, why not try to do an activity that is constructive, such as making something, anything at all, doing voluntary work, getting a paid job even if its just part time, it should help you to feel better when your doing something you can be proud of. i know this advice has helped me, i used to feel depressed when i was unemployed and actively looking for work, then i did a part-time English course and got a part time job as well as doing voluntarily work at a charity shop near me, now I'm currently in full time education working hard to get good grades so i can go to university, not just sitting at home writing endless CVs to jobs i never get even a interview for. i hope this advice will help you.
avatar
astilaborshadow

Posts : 1617
Join date : 2010-12-09
Age : 30

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Just some bullshit...

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 18, 2010 9:39 am

My probalem is just that... I don't have enough respect for other people to help them... I think I'm a bad person because I'm repulsed by the thought of helping people I don't know well. On the other paw, I'd give my life with no second thought for my friends...
What could I make? I mentioned before in my Minecraft post that I'm about as creative as an eggplant...
And I've been trying to find work recently, with no success...
My loneliness is my main problem, though... Whenever I think about how bad I am and how I deserve to die and rot in the ground while no-one mourns, a wave of sadness flows through me... It's a little like being punched in the gut by Death. It's cold, it hurts, and you feel it all over, but it mostly hurts right in the centre, in the most protected part, the part you want no-one to be able to touch... Right at the core. That's where it hurts.
The worst thing is everyone else is going through worse stuff, and I'm the one complaining... Making me feel worse still...

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Just some bullshit...

Post  astilaborshadow on Sat Dec 18, 2010 9:44 am

i think your quite creative when you roleplay, and you could always try drawing the characters you RP as and those that RP with you like mine and your mate's.
avatar
astilaborshadow

Posts : 1617
Join date : 2010-12-09
Age : 30

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Just some bullshit...

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 18, 2010 9:51 am

The only picture I was ever able to draw was that of a wet paper bag; it was me, not being able to draw my way out of a wet paper bag. Akumamika cam draw. I can scribble. My handwriting is barely legible, which I believe is more immediately important anyway...
I guess I can write a little... But I don't really have anything to write about... I could think of something, but I'd need to clear my head, which is impossible because my thoughts flutter about too fast to get rid of them, which is why I sometimes have trouble sleeping...
As the flavortext of Idle Thoughts says,
"Inspiration strikes the uncluttered mind". I tend only to think of things when I'm not thinking about them, and furthermore, not thinking...
I'm such a defeatist pessimist...

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Just some bullshit...

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum