All of my shit

Since I never update when I'm feeling good, I thought I should now, just for a laugh.
After visiting my psych on Thursday, I took his advice, and made it very clear to Sam that I was interested in a relationship with her, should what she and Marshall (her current boyfriend) have not work out. She said she was happy with her current relationship, but that she could definitely see a future with us. That made me feel really good. It's like everything's been pitch black, and someone's lit a candle. It's not a bright light, it's not a big light, but it's there. It's there and I can feel it. It's good to know that for nce, just once, I don't feel completely terrible. Granted, I'm still alone and miserable, but at least Sam likes me enough to say that (even if she doesn't mean it), and that's good enough for me, because she's great. That much respect from her is great. She's so sweet.
No, I better not turn this into a love letter. I'd be here for hours. Goodbye. End note. Done. Finished.

It's weird... Today Sam came over to play Magic and I found myself thinking of her more as a friend and less as a romantic interest. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it's both. Or maybe it's neither.
One possibility is that my brother keeps hanging around us, the pest. I wish he'd go away. I want to spend time with Sam. We discuss so much over text, and I'd love to do that IRL, but I can't bring myself to with my asshole of a brother around.
Also she had a UTI or something and was in a lot of pain. I kinda wanted to hold her and tell her things would be okay, and that thought buzzed about in my head for a while.
On the other paw, I'm starting to doubt the viability of Sam as a prospective mate. I'm not ure why, since we have so much in common. Perhaps my brain is just falling out of love with her pre-emptively to stop me hurting again like I did with Eliza, or perhaps I'm genuinely not seeing her that way anymore. It might be more likely that since I'm of a super-par mood that I'm not too plussed about my loneliness at the moment, and that I'll retract all this when my mood swings back.
Still, I can't help wondering if there are girls out there who like me... It's exceptionally difficult to pick up emotional cues, so I can't really tell if they're interested or not. I just assume they're being friendly. Maybe they are interested and I'm just clueless. Maybe they cry themselves to sleep for the same reasons I do.
It seems strange to think that everyone has a seperate life. Since I don't experience the lives of others, it's difficult for me to understand them. The world revolves around me because I'm the only thing I can KNOW for certain is true. I think, therefore I am. But I don't know that anyone else thinks. And therefore I don't know that anyone else IS. Perhaps this is the matrix or something. The issue with that is I believe I'd have control over it.
Tired now, so I'll just add one more point.
Perhaps it's better for me to look elsewhere for a mate. Sam is clearly indisposed with her current boyfriend, and I'm still alone... The issue is again that I don't know who's interested and I'm too scared to ask (although I'd be better alone). Also my mother wants to stop my psychological appointments because he wants to change me so I'm more confident, but she thinks I'm fine the way I am; my point of view is that if I was fine the way I was, I wouldn't be in the psychologist's office.

Today I felt good. Which was bad. I didn't have any reason at all to feel good, but I did, and I didn't like it. So I intentionally tried to bring myself down all day so I'd feel normal again. It worked somewhat; I did lose my happiness, but I also ended up worse than normal.
Yet again I'm seeing suicide as a very attractive option. Loneliness gets to me quite badly.
Sam was talking about her sex life. Why do girls do that? I don't know who you've fucked, and I don't want to know. As far as I'm concerned, I couldn't be happier if my hypothetical mate never told me they'd slept with anyone else. I hate the idea of a girl I like being under some other male. It makes me shudder with disgust.
Sometimes I hate being smart. It's a lot of work sometimes. Some days I wish I could be a dumbass with nothing going for him so I could just do whatever and not care... But I know that's not likely. I love science too much.
Someone claiming to be Eliza contacted my via text today. I blocked them. If they aren't Eliza then they're playing a cruel trick on me, and if they are then I don't want to speak to them.
As I thought, Sam is back to being an object of admiration. Although what I felt was her bragging (my original ideaology was that females were conservative about their sexual encounters) about having had sex with her new boyfriend slightly (and by slightly I mean markedly) lessened that appeal.
Still no word on the psychologist front, although that's partially because I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to endeavour to do anything about it.
Back to the loneliness, then, I guess. Gods it hurts. I hate it, hate myself. I can't stand feeling this way. It's constant, irritating, always there, buzzing in my ear:
You're alone, you need someone, get someone, you'll never have anyone, you're too fat/ugly/stupid/annoying/needy/whatever
The sad thing is that the little voice in my head that without anyone I am no-one is the closest thing I have to a companion. I'm thinking about getting a virtual pet just to compensate. I need to show affection to someone or something, I can't take holding it in, I hate it! I need someone, something, anyone or anything, that just wants me to love them... But still, no-one comes. No-one cares, no-one can see... No-one understands. No-one ho could mean anything to me could. I could never fall for someone who's as smart as/smarter than me. Never. I'd be too scared that I'd be outwitted, outplayed, outmatched. My intellect is my only redeeming quality. If I don't have that compared to my mate then I am worthless. I have nothing else going for me.
But I just want to give affection to someone and have them reciprocate it... Why should there be a need for so much effort for it? Why isn't it simple? Why can't someone just love me? Must be because I'm ugly, has to be... What else could it be? No, I'm certain I'm ugly, hideous even. It's the only thing I can come up with.
I hate to complain. Sam was telling me today how she'd be financially better-off if she moved out of her parents' house next year. It struck me that in all likelihood, I'll never be financially in trouble. My parents have saved enough for me to live comfortablyfor my whole life. I appreciate that, and I hope I make a lot of money too so I can give my children the same benefit. It's great to know I don't have to worry about money.
But it means I shouldn't complain. I have no right to complain. Those who're struggling, those who have it tough... They need sympathy, not me. Emma, Sam... Others. But I feel alone and isolated too... I don't know. There's only so mch sympathy to go around and although I feel I need some, others need it more. But again, that makes me feel unimportant. Which I suppose I am. In fact, why anyone actually cares about me at all is just beyond me. Really, the only person who cares is my psych, and he only does because he's paid to. Or at least, e's the only one who should.
Sometimes I hate sex. The act, not gender. It seems to dominate so much of our culture that I think it's just overrated. I understand that I'm probably biased due to lack of experience, but I don't think sex is hugely important to anyone. And yet so much of it is saturate in teenage culture. It's in the graffiti that idiots draw on table and chairs, in the words they speak, their actions, their motives... Does no-one love anymore? Does no-one care about anything but the physical?
I should wrap this up... It's getting verbose...
If I could have one thing, it would be love. Barring that, I'd go back in time and tell myself in year 9 never to speak to Eliza, so that I'd still be ignorant as to what it's like, and so I'd not care that I was alone. Barring that, I'd just wish for death.

SAM:
This is the first in a series of character analyses I will do on people I know as a part of my record-keeping in this thread. These probably won't be updated, but will express my opinions of the person at the time of writing.
Sam... Where do I start? She's got probably 90-95% of what I'm looking for in a female. She's cute, she's creative, she's funny, she loves games and cards and stuff I like... Now if only she was a little more logical.
Sam is an amazing friend. Although I feel like she gets injured a lot around me... She's probably one of the best friends I could ask for (Christian is a better friend but Sam's female which bumps her up significantly). She's quite even with her give-and-take as far as her psychological issues are concerned, although sometimes I feel that she's hiding something from me he doesn't want me to know...
As far as a potential mate is concerned, she's somewhere between "Never going to be more than a friend" and "A 6 month-2 year relationship at best" for me. As much as I'd love to be with her, I can't see it working for very long, possibly because we're very different in some aspects, and possibly because I feel she'd get sick of me after a while (Every female I've known has at some point).
In my eyes, she's gorgeous. Drop dead gorgeous. Sometimes her clothes are a little masculine, but when she's in short shorts an her fishnets... Actually, I'm not going into this. Sufficed to say that I think she's beautiful and leave it there.
Sometimes she can be a bit reclusive, although I'm not sure if this is just because she doesn't have er phone with her.
Sam is very insecure about herself. I dislike this about her. In English, we watched Mao's Last Dancer, and she kept telling me she wished she could have legs like the ballet dancer girl in the film. I didn't know what she was talking about; she's got gorgeous legs. She also says she's bullemic but she's so meagre I can't see why she could think she needed that...
Romantically, I am intested in her. I'm not sure if it's genuine or if it's just because it's either her or no-one. But she's so sweet and gorgeous, but I just want to hold her sometimes and kiss her and say that her insecurities are rubbish and that she's beautiful and that I love her...
Of course, that's never going to happen. That makes me cry sometimes...
She's got gorgeous hair. I love it. It's short enough to work for her but long enough that I'm not grossed out by it (I'm not sure if I've said this before but I really don't like short hair on girls). She ties it back loosely a lot of the time and it makes me want to brush my hand over her cheek to tuck it behind her ear... Always wanted to do that... #^.^#
Sam is creative. Great at drawing. Probably the best artist I've met (Sorry Emma...). I like that side of her. I could never draw... Which sucks. People who can draw always draw cool stuff and I want to draw cool stuff but Icant draw... I digress.
Sam is not friendly, but I don't mind. Well, she's friendlier than me (which wouldn't be hard because I'm an asshole), but she's no social butterfly (again, though, More than I am).
I wish I could have about 15-20 minutes alone with Sam. Just so I could say all this, to tell her that sometimes when she says things or words things just the right way, it stops my pain for just a few moments, makes me feel like I'm loved and cared for for the briefest of instants before I'm back to being lonely... But thefact that she'd even try is just unreal to me... I can't fathom why she'd waste er time on me, of all people. There are so many guys who'd actually kill to be in my position, and she's not even in a relationship with me... Still, like all girls I know, I'm going to regret not making more f an effort with her. I try a little to let her know how i feel but a lot f the time I get interrupted by someone/thing...
Honestly, I think if I was in a relationship with Sam then happiness wouldn't feel weird anymore. It would feel normal, because I have a reason to be happy; a beautiful, sweet girl loves me. Unfortunately that isn't so.
I don't think she could handle me, though, as I'm very needy. But I'd love to be the one to hold her when she needs it because she hurts too...
Her family isn't well-off, and I pity her for that... I wonder if she'd be different psychologically if he parents had as much money a mine.
My spelling is starting to go downhill becade I'm tire so I better Finnish up.
On average, Sam is an amazing girl. But I feel like she'll always be out of reach to me. And not just her, but anyone I meet like he in future. She's like a forbidden fruit, that you can get so close to, but never quite reach... And I'm not sure if that's good for me sometimes...

Sam and I were texting each other today.
We were talking about what we wanted to do in our seperate loves as far as children were concerned. Her thoughts were markedly similar to mine.
Then she brought up how her boyfriend wante her to marry him, and thatshe thought it was a good idea. I had heard this before and reiterated that it was quite rash. She understood, but in my reitteration I implied that par of the reason I was telling her this was because I was jealous. She picked up on this and asked me if that was why I tried to stop her. In more words than this, I said it was to a degree. I asked how she felt about this and she has yet to reply.
There are fireworks going off in the background. Part of me wishes they were gunshots so I might be in sufficient danger. Getting shot might be less painful than this.
Sam is so great. I only wished she'd let me try. Of course I'd fail. I'd fail miserably. I would because I'm hopeless. But maybe she wouldn't care so much that I was intimidated by the thought of being affectionate in front of others. Maybe she'd think it was cute. Maybe I would try really hard when she and I were alone to make up for it and that it would work and she'd love me. Maybe I wouldn't be sad because I have a girlfriend now. Maybe I should have told her how i felt earlier so she could consider it. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. Maybe I'm going to find someone, but I doubt it. Maybe someone could love me. MAYBE.
But it's not likely. I'm too ugly, too needy, too scared, too much effort for not enough gain. I'm not worth the time. Any female willing to try is by defaut too good, and therefore should find someone else.
But Sam wasn't willing to try... So perhaps she isn't good? No, I can't imagine that... Of course, she can choose whomever she likes. I can't really stop her. But it saddens me greatly. She's so beautiful, so amazing. I wish she'd let me try...
It wouldn't matter. I'd fail. Further, the words I write about her are the same words I used for Eliza. Undoubtedly when I irritate her to the point where she stops speaking to me I'll describe her like I did Eliza when she hurt me too.
I don't love Sam. Love would imply reciprocation; I love and i am loved, that's how it works. I am infattuated, and that is one-sided.
But terminology is irrelevant. The key point is that Sam is officially off the market forever, and I will never have a chance with her. Although that statement implies I had one before...
I need more female friends. So that I don't fixate on the one female I know and idolize her and fall for her like the last two times... But females dislike me, and asking for their phone numbers (ie my only means of communication since I hate Facebook) feels awkward and I'm certain they'd resent an ugly, stupid douchebad approaching them and asking for their phone number.
Oh, who cares. No-one reads this. No-one gives a shit. No-one cares about my problems and so they shouldn't. What difference would it even make if they did? I'd still be lonely and loveless.
Suicide just keeps getting points... I just want love, but no-one wants to love me...

Love comes in many forms Damian, the love your friends have for you is one of the best. No one is truely ugly unless their personality makes them so. Stop thinking about yourself like that, others can think what they like it doesn't matter. Talk to me hun you don't have to keep dealing with this alone.

I don't want to... You'll get mad at me aain... I don't like it when you're mad with me, it makes me feel even worse...

Im sorry I shouldn't have gotten mad. I've done some maturing over the last few months..I promise to not get mad at you again, you didn't deserve it and I'm sorry.

No, you were right Emma. I was being a pest and your problems are more important. I should have been more willing to listen and advise rather than speak and complain. That's why I write here now; so you don't have to listen if you don't want to.

I loathe myself. I hate myself. I am disgusted with myself. I hate my own body and mind with every fibre of the digusting being they hold together.
I am ugly. I am hideous. Monstrous. A true trainwreck. I refuse to believe any different, because if I was good-looking then people would be attracted to me; since they aren't, it folows that I am ugly. I hate my eyebrows, my nose, my skin, my cheeks... All of it. Sometimes I wonder why I was ugly, why it couldn't have been someone else... But then I think that the person who was ugly originally probably thought the same thing, hence my position.
I hate how I'm smart. I'm too smart. I hate intelligence. Being smart means others expect you to be smart. You have no freedom; you're bound to that role, and that stops me from being the romantic person I feel I am. I feel that if I show my romantic side then my friends and family will laugh and my enemies will laugh harder an everyone will have a good old "Let's-laugh-at-Damian-athon". But I wonder if the opposite sex would treat me different if I tried to sweep them of their feet..
I just feel lonely all the time... Constantly. It's always there, always hanging over me, this great weight on my shoulders, holding down the cheery and funny and crazy person I used to be... Love is undoubtedly the worst emotion I've eer felt, because look at what it's done to me...
I long for death a lot... Life just isn't worth living without someone to share it with, and none of my friends would understand; they'd just call me melodramatic and laugh some more.
I lie in my bed at night and cry... I hate being lonely... I just want one person to share everything with, someone who I can love and who loves me... It's all I want... I wil work for everything else, but I want this given to me, purely because I have no experience at all with romance outside of RPs and since everything goes right there it isn't really a good yardstick.
I talk to myself a lot. I say what I want to say to my lover. Stupid things that pop into my mind. I just say them. Maybe I wish someone would stop and listen, and then I'd know that person is the one I should be with. For now at least. But no-one does.
It irritates me that intelligence isn't attractive; it's all I've got. Why couldn't it be? It's really annoying... And don't try to tell me otherwise because if intelligence WAS attractive, I'd be beating girls off with a stick, and I'm not.
*sigh*
People in games love me. People in RPs love me. Why can't people in life love me? Am I so difficult to be around that I should be forced into a life of crushing, horrible loneliness? Should I be persecuted for not being like everyone else? Should I be attacked and ridiculed because I want love and everyone else is just an immature fool looking for lust?
Hath not a lover eyes? Ears, hands, feet? Emotions, feelings, sences, desires, needs? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die?
No, that last line won't do; lovers don't die from poison. The poisoned heart stays in its victim's chest, slowly eating away at their soul until nothing is left but a husk. A cold, empty, soulless, lifeless, loveless husk of a boy, who's destiny it is to be in the 0.00235% of males who are over the 50% male/female ratio, and therefore will never be with a female...

Poor Sam... Poor everyone, really... Everyone who has to put up with me... I'm such a horrible friend, and person in general...
Sam got sick of my constant attention seeking a few minutes ago. I admitted that, of course that was what I was after. But I was starved of it; the only thing I could ever want is attention from the opposite sex, but there's no reason they should waste their time. I told Sam that Eliza crushed my heart because I was too clingy and said that I'd understand if she didn't want to speak to me again; of course, this is more of my backwards-talk. I'd be so sad if she did stop, but I would understand. It was my fault. It's always my fault. I'm so sick of being faulted... I just want to give up. I'm sick of it, sick of it all. I just can't keep going. Every morning I wake up and wonder why I bothered. There's no reason for me to wake up. I don't get up for anything, so I get up for nothing. Every day is wasted because I find nothing to spend it doing. I hope my grades fall too so I have an excuse just to sit around and mope all day at school. Dragging myself to that horribly cachophany of happy people is just fingernails on a blackboard to me. Sometimes I just want to beat my head against a table over and over and over and over and over. I just don't care anymore. Who the fuck would care if I died? I've half a mind to go into the kitchen and slit my own throat right now. It's not like I'm going to care any more when I'm dead.
My mother yelled at me earlier for being so negative, and I simply told her that the only reason I'm negative all the time is because there's nothing to be positive about. What is there to be positive about? Tell me, I implore you. Because I'm yet to find a single thing worth living for. Everything, every repugnant aspect of day-to-day existance makes me physically ill to the core. Life is nothing but a series of failures, disappointments, lies and sadness. There is no meaning, no reason, no bigger picture; just a cold, dead universe full of ignorant animals and stupid people. And I don't want to live in such a place.

The best word I can use to describe how I'm feeling is onomatopoeia; bleh. My brain feels like it's full of glue. Everything is in slow motion, and my head feels heavy. It also makes me feel depressed. It was worse a few hours ago but it's better now, but still there.
My chemistry exam is tomorrow. I haven't really studied, partially because of Skyrim and partially because I have no motivation to. I think I'm going to fail all of my exams from a combination of The Elder Scrolls and lacking any means of pleasure. Even playing games, the most interesting thing in my life, fails to excite me. Ponies only just get there. I feel my RPs are the only things keeping me going; that I can taste the life I dream, see it, hear it, almost reach out and touch the things I want but can never have... I'm so close, yet so far...
At least 90% of the girls at my school have boyfriends. Simple maths and observation and eavesdrop have taught me this. This means my chances of finding anyone at all are even lower, and since they were less than one percent to begin with, I'm pretty much fucked. I understand there are more people in the world than there are at my school, but Idont know any of those people, and in fact have no way of knowing them.
The whole school system is getting to me... These exams are stressing me out, primarily because I know I'm going to fail them. This will be so much worse next year and the year after, as I'll have the thought "Everything you've done in your whole life so far has lead up to this moment" to add to everything else. Even with my razor-wit, I get stressed easily, and I can't work at all under pressure.
Suicide is moving away from me somewhat, if only because I've got too much to do to concern myself with it.
I hate work. Every day just counts down to when I hve to go. It's horrible and I dread it every day.
I'm destroying my thumbnail. I pick at the base of it and less and less of it is coming out. It's eventually going to disappear altogether, I think, which I suppose is a good thing, because then i can't pick at it anymore. It hurts when I do.
I'm scared. Scared of everything. I'm scared I'm going to fail my exams. I'm scared I'm going to screw things up with Emma and she won't talk to me anymore. I'm scared I'll do the same with Sam. Mostly I'm scared that no-one will love me. I find it strange that no-one else feels this way, although they may be as good at hiding it as I am. I've been hinting at it with my peers recently to see if they'd pick up (they didn't), but that's probably just because I want sympathy because I'm an asshole like that.
My eyes hurt. Too much looking at screens.
I want to be hugged. People hug me all the time for superficial reasons, and I don't like that. Sam hugged me today because I bought her some card sleeves, and that's a silly reason to hug me. I want someone to hug me because I'm important to them. But I suppose that isn't going to happen.
I have to write a Literature essay tomorrow, and I'm going to fail that too. I don't care so much since it's only literature, but I like my teacher and she'll be upset with me if I don't do well.
I feel complicated. There's a lot of me to understad. I don't like being that way because it means I have to hide things from people because I'm scared to showcase the qualities I have.
A lot of the time I wonder why I have difficulty approaching the opposite sex. I have no idea why I can't do it. It's just that when I do, my mind goes blank and words fail me. I stand there and look stupid.
I wish some female would come and sweep ME off MY feet. It's a very reversed role, but I can't do it to them... I feel there's a lot of pressure on me to act that way, but only when the timing is right and only when this, that and the other. It seems like a very precise art, and one that I have no knowledge of whatsoever.
I question my intellect sometimes. Ultimately, I'm not that smart. I'm not smart enough. I should be THE smartest. There's nothing I can do that someone else isn't better at. That thought bothers me. Why couldn't I be good at something, rather than okay at everything? I want a talent, something I'm truly better than anyone at... But that seems unrealistic.
I'm still dragging myself out of bed in the morning. I don't see why. All I'm going to think about tomorrow is that I have to go to work and how horrible it's going to be. I'm going to have to scrub the floor of the cool room which is probably 5 centimetres thick with dirt because I couldn't do it last week...
I hate myself. Out of all the people I am the worst. I am deceitful, manipulative, unkind, unfriendly, antisocial, borderline sociopathic, and just plain nasty in every sense of the word. I don't want to be me; I'm an asshole. Why can't I be someone who's nice and liked and still smart and maybe even loved... No, that last one is pretty far fetched.
I want to write more but I have to sleep... Maybe I'll write more when I've failed my chemistry exam, literature essay and Italian practice exam, and cleaned the cool room, tomorrow night.
I should get used to cleaning that cool room; I'll probably be doing it for the rest of my life. Then I'll really need to kill myself.

Today wasn't as bad as I'd imagined. It actually annoys me a bit, since now I can't complain as much as I wanted to. And boy do I like complaining; just look at all the garbage I've regurgitated all over this forum.
The exam was probably as bad as I thought. I actually had to stop thinking a few times to stop myself from crying because I didn't know how to get the answer; that I didn't get it didn't bother me. What irritates me is when I don't know HOW to get it.
Literature wasn't as bad as I thought, but I wish I could have failed that and got an 'A' in Chem instead... I would so have rathered that...
Italian was easy, but the exams always are. And we get our good dictionary for the exam (sometimes we're only allowed basic ones, but this time we get to use the ones we have in class, which have all the grammar and verb tense conjugations and such in the back, which is really helpful).
I'm pretty confident about everything else. English I'm guaranteed a B+ (it's my personal opinion that English is the easiest subject in which to get a B+, but the hardest in which to get an A), Religion - balls to that, Chem is done, Maths is easy because I had a good teacher, Literature... Maybe a B? I don't know. Molecular Biology has hard tests so probably a B+. Aaand... That's it. Cool. Exams are next week and I'm not as stressed as I was.
Speaking of cool, the guy running the Dairy department while my assholic boss is away cleaned the floor for me on Monday, so I didn't have to! Finally I catch a break...
I still have to work Friday and Saturday though...
Sam hasn't been at school lately, and she won't tell me why... Poor girl, she must be tired. I guess she deserves some rest; this year has been hard on her.
Every day I hate Eliza more, because I need love more every day. I despise her. Every time I see someone I know speaking to her, I feel like verbally assaulting them for consorting with the enemy. That horrid, fetid girl has wrenched my right brain into existence, and now I want it gone. I hate emotion, I hate to feel things, and I hate to need to feel things. Oh, if only I'd never met her... Then maybe I'd only discover the joys of love when I was actually experiencing them and not just wanting them...
I am a bad person. I just thought that... No, I don't want to write it in case she reads it... Suffice to say I thought something nasty about Sam's boyfriend because i want her... No, that's bad of me... Jealousy is a very bad emotion...
I need to get my phone but I'm too busy writing this to get up... Okay getting up...
Back in my bed. Ran a quick calc to show Christian that he's going to get 1260 hours of homework during his 2 years at Boarding School. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Hah.
I should be asleep... Oh well.
I'm gross... I hate everything about myself... I have no redeeming qualities... I'm ugly, I'm not smart (proven by my Chem exam), I'm not athletic, I'm not funny, I can't dance, Icant sing (well), I can't draw, I can't write (well), I can't play MTG very well... It's like I just sort of grope around blindly and happen to hit the right button a few times.
I like poetry. I can't really write it, especially when I'm rushed, but poetry is nice. I like riddles and rhymes especially. I love riddles. All dragons do. I love riddles so much that when I started Skyrim I saw a book called "The Yellow Book of Riddles", and I bought it with the only 12 gold pieces I had. I still haven't read it! XD
I wonder if I'd have a girlfriend if I joined Facebook... I won't, of course. I'd sooner die that be part of that putrid cess-pit of incoherent teenagers sputtering on about clothing or sports or whatever it is that 'normal' people speak about. But still, since I'm so good at communicating with writing, and so bad at doing it verbally, I wonder if my verbal prowess would win me favours in cyberspace... Perhaps I'd already have everything I've wanted if I joined? I doubt it... Well, I don't, but I refuse to put aside my beliefs for chance. I might f I was certain, but I'm not and so I won't.
It just occurred to me that I'm going to have to find a new IRL female friend very soon or I'll go from reasonably emotionally stable (for me anyway) to radically unstable very quickly. Since Sam is changing schools and she isn't texting me anymore, I doubt she wants anything to do with me. I don't blame her. Poor girl has a lot else on her mind. But that leaves me with no/one again... And I don't like that thought, not at all... Sam was easy to talk to ecause she liked games and cards and she was very open with me... There aren't many girls like that; at least, none I know, and certainly none I speak to at all... How do I een meet the opposite sex? What do I do? All I know is school; what do people my age do when they aren't at school? Can I be involved somehow, and therefore expand my 'potential mate' circle (of course, since it's currently at 0 members anything is an improvement)? I don't know...
I feel like I've developed mentally a lot faster than everyone else, but physically I'm still young. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Probably bad.
Okay, now I'm tired... Sleep time...

I think I'm close to an epiphany. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of discovery, ad I can feel it. It's something about love and relationships. I'm almost there. I feel like I already know it but I just can't put it into words. I want to have this epiphany because it will either make me ignore love and focus on other things, or realize how to get love and therefore make me happy.
I've also been feeling less suicidal. I now (and I'm not sure if this is just temporary) feel like the longer I live, the better the chances of finding a mate. But I'm impatient so I don't want to wait...
My eyes are throbbing so this one is quick. I have to study tomorrow...

I feel weird today... Sort of like I'm not here... Very empty, very plain...
Went to a silly school thing... There were two or three girls there I really wanted to talk to, because they were really cute... Of course, I didn't, despite how hard I tried to psych myself up.
Nothing is making me happy. I don't want to play games, I don't want to go on the internet... I don't want to do anything, and it feels really bad... All I've done all day is eat, and I feel fat. I stayed up late last night, too, so maybe it's one of those. I need some water, but I'll go get it in a minute. I feel very alone. I think it'll only get worse, too, since now I'm pretty much going to have no human contact with anyone but family for 6 weeks. I'm thinking that marijuana would help, but I have no idea where to get it, and even then what to do with it. I wonder why I bother. I feel like I'm putting in effort and getting nowhere. And where I want to put in effort, I can't because I'm scared. I took a good personality test today that classified me as a Thinker (The others were like Director, Socialite and something starting with "R"), and it said my biggest fear was embarrassment. That's pretty spot-on. I don't want to be embarrassed or ashamed so I can't speak with the opposite sex in case I get rejected and people talk, or if she already has a boyfriend, and then it would be really awkward between us. Of course, I generally run off the assumption that the opposite sex isn't interested anyway, mostly because I don't have any actually attractive qualities.
Okay, now I really feel like shit. I feel really tired, and my eyes are burning, and it's only 6 PM. I'm not sure if it was the late night or the sugar, but it sucks. I just want someone to hold and be affectionate with, but I need them to come and initiate the relationship, because I'm incapable of it... Then again, I'd probably just be a pathetic boyfriend, just like I'm a pathetic everything else... I want to see my psychologist again but Mother hasn't booked any sessions and I don't want to ask because then she'll ask "Why?" and I don't like it when people ask that question because I typically feel very uncomfortable talking about myself to any but a few people.
I got a digimon off the internet. I dislike it. I thought it would be better, and I shouldn't have asked my friend to get one too because now if I stop it and give up I'll feel bad because he spent money on something he shouldn't have. Then again, I haven't paid him yet, and I could always not let him and say I'm not interested anymore. I thought I might be able to direct my affection toward it, since I can't do that to anything that's actually alive, but it turns out that they're almost as cold and heartless as I am.
Got my water. Don't feel better. I just want to cry. But I suppose that won't accomplish much.
I feel like an attention whore, but all I want is someone's attention; that of someone who cares about me. I just want someone to love me. But I suppose that's too much to ask.
If, in the unlikely event that someone finds me attractive enough to want to have sex with me, and I'm not dead, I'd like to show my children these posts. I want them to see that everyone goes through this shit and that they can get through it. Although that's easier said than done.

This is my second post here today, and it's because I am confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know! I want a girlfriend, fuck it! I want to stop being a whiny little bitch who no-one likes or cares about, and start being someone who at least has one person who gives a flying fuck whether they live or die or not. I'm sick of cutting the shit from my messages too; I'm confused so I'm going to fucking swear like a fishwife until I calm the fuck down!
Fuck! I hate this! I'm so fucking confused! I get so much conflicting shit! I don't know whether to be myself or wait or be confidant or make a fool of myself or write love letters or fucking shit in her bed! What the fuck difference does it make? Everyone says something different! Why thefuck can't it be easy? I go over it and over it and over it in my head, ad then I open my mouth and nothing comes out and I fuck it up again! Fuck, I'm such a loser! I can't believe how bad I am at this! I can't even fucking ask them to be fucking FRIENDS, fuck it! I can't ask for their phone number, I can't do fucking anything! And een if, by some fucking Jesuit miracle, that some fucking gorgeous angel fell into my arms, I'd fuck it up by being all clingy and paranoid! So it wouldn't fucking matter if I got a girfriend because she'd fucking leave an I'd cry like the whiny little cunt I am! I just want to fucking scream. I want to tear my hair out and scream and lacerated myself with a knife! I feel like running down to the fucking nightclub district and cramming as many illicit drugs down my throat as possible and hope I choke to death on the foam I made in my mouth! Fuck, I just want to go out and wreck myself, because it's not like I'm good for anything else. Augh, I'm sofucking angry! I want to fucking punch something! I could fucking beat the shit out of someone for the tiniest, pissiest reason right now!
What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I mad? Is that it? Is it my fucking personality? Is the fact that I actually happen to think that one goes to a school to FUCKING LEARN SHIT so off-putting to females and even other males that when I sit down everyone else goes out of their way to sit one chair away from me? Every time! EVERY FUCKING TIME! They will actually go to the other side of the room and drag a fucking desk and a chair over to sit on the other side of their friend than sit next to me. DO I FUCKING SMELL OR SOMETHING YOU PIECE OF SHIT? AM I NOT FUCKING PRETTY ENOUGH TO SIT IN THE FUCKING SHIT-ASS ART GALLERY THAT'S YOUR FUCKING IMMEDIATE VICINITY?ANSWER ME BITCH!
Fuck, I could beat a kitten right now! Jesus fucking bitch I'm so angry! Why does it have to be so fucking hard? I want one thing! ONE! FUCKING! THING! Fuck, that's it. I don't even give a shit if I fucking drop out of school, this is literally ALL I FUCKING WANT! And it's pretty much the only thing I'm not brilliant at. I can do anything! I can do maths, English, science, health, computers, I fucking didn't want to learn to drive and Ido it better after 4 times than some people do after 6 weeks! I can fucking do anything BUT SPEAK TO THE OPPOSITE SEX! That's just bloody brilliant, that is.
Fuck I need to get this out of my system... I'd go smash some shit if it wasn't 10:15 at night... Fucking nothing makes me happy. The best RPG in the world has bored me. The whole Internet is useless. No-one wants to listen to my shit, no one wants to talk to me. All the advice I can get is lies and shit and "man up". Well guess fucking what? I'm about as fucking manly as the... Well... I can't even fucking think of a fucking similie right now, but fuck that shit! I'm not manly okay? I'm a fucking 10-year-old girl with a dick! That's fucking it! Okay? Fuck you! I'm fucking shy and timid and scared of everything! Get the fuck over it you little cunt! I just want to fucking speak to girls without getting fucking nervous! I can fucking speak to groups of 60, 100 people without batting an eyelid, but Icant fucking say to a girl, "Can I have your phone number? I think you're really cute." !!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCKING JAM THOSE EXCLAMATION MARKS UP YOUR ASS YOU FUCKING LITTLE CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK IM SO ANGRY I CANT EVEN BOTHER WITH FUCKING APOSTRAPHES! I DONT EVEN THINK I FUCKING SPELLED APOSTROPHE CORRECYLY!!!!!!! AND NOW IM NOT USING QUOTATION MARKS!!!! FUCKING ALL MY GRAMMAR AND SYNTAX AND SHIT HAS GONE UP FUCKING SHIT CREEK IN A BARBED WIRE CANOE YOU SHIT!!!!!
I FUCKING WANT TO BE LOVED! THAT'S FUCKING IT!!!! AM I SO FUCKING UGLY THAT I CANT HAVE THAT!?!?!??!
...
...
...
Am I? Am I really? Am I so ugly, and so horrible, and just such a monster of a person, that Idont deserve to have one person who thinks I'm nice and sweet and not a horrible heartless creature who lives only to feed off the misery of others? Can't I just have a sweet, pretty girl who'll think I'm really awesome and want to ditch her friends sometimes just to be with me? Do I not deserve any attention? Have I been so horrible that I should be denied the only thing i could ever ask for? Why can't I do this? Why is this, what I want most, the only stumbling block I've ever encountered? And worse, why does no-one understand? Why does no-one help? Why does no-one care?
Because I'm just anoter angst-filled teenager. Don't take him seriously, he just wants attention.
YOU'RE DAMNED FUCKING RIGHT I WANT ATTENTION!...
I want the attention of a girl... Just one... I don't want to be a womanizer, I don't even want more than one girlfriend ever.
I. Just. Want. One.
Is one too much? Do I not deserve the smallest, whole, non-zero amount of something? The thing I want most? Can't I have that? I just want to be loved, and for everything to just flatten out for me so I can focus on school and get the grade I know I'm capable of... But if I keep longing for this, pining for love, for the only thing I want... How long can I hold up my studies? How long will it be before what I want starts to eat into what I can do? How many months, weeks, even days, before I become just a useless husk of a person, incapable of doing anything, soulless and dead from lack of affection?
Not long, I hope, because once I'm dead on the inside, I'll soon be dead on the outside.

I'm a bit calmer today, but I'm much sadder. Nothing makes me happy. Games bore me. Internet bores me. I have no-one to talk to. I got yelled at at work. Suicide is back on the table. Nothing seems to work. No strategy I can employ can make me confidant enough to face my fears because I'm pathetic emotionally. There's a little voice in the back of my head that, every few seconds, says something like "Kill yourself" or "You should kill yourself" or "You know what you could do? Kill yourself". I feel like listening to it but I'm too cowardly to take the steps. I need that god-damned Sodium Sulphide first, and then I'll need to get in the god-damned car without waking anyone... Bloody pain in the ass.
I want to see my psych again but mother won't pay for the sessions. At least when I was going to the psych I could say I was TRYING to solve the problem. Now I'm just moping about feeling sorry for myself. Life sucks so much. Why can't I control my own body? I know exactly how the situation could go, every possible tangential reality, every success, failure, whathaveyou. I fantasize about what would happen if I succeeded, accept what would happen if I failed, and still I can't do it... What's wrong with me? Why do I have so much difficulty controlling myself? Am I undisciplined? What?
Urgh... I'm sick of writing so I'm going to stop... *Rages at life in general*

Well, it's been a while since I last posted here. I think my general happiness levels look a bit like a Sine wave, or an AC pattern. Either way, I was pretty good for a while, and now I think I'm crashing again.
So, I was on 4chan last night (Okay, I know, but stick with me for a minute), and there was one of those stupid threads where they try and pull losers into watching their lame-ass livestreams of games by posting and spam-bumping their thread with random pictures of random girls. But there was this one girl they posted, not nude or anything, just... She was about medium height, with shoulder-length hair that she had bleached and dyed pink on her right and black on her left, with white still in the middle. She had pale blue eyes and silky white skin and she was wearing, and I fucking kid you not, she was wearing steampunk goggles around her neck, a sort-of pink-and-black studded bracelet thing on each wrist, and an "Aperture Science" t-shirt...
My description really doesn't do her justice. Someone said she was a trap, but that was because I raged in the thread at how pissed off I was that I'd never get to see this girl IRL so I assumed they were doing it to troll me since I'm normally pretty good at picking traps. Although her bust was unrealistically large...
I digress. This is one of those pictures that upsets me because it portrays a lifestyle or situation that I want but will almost certainly never find myself in. Those pictures make me angry. It happened a while ago when I was still talking to Sam... I don't seem to have mentioned it here. There was this picture I saw... I think it was in a fur thread? On 4chan again, obviously. It was pretty simple, really. It was just a girl and a guy playing video games in their underwear (furs obviously). And... It made me really upset. Because that's what I want and it breaks my cold, shrivelled, black heart that I'm never going to get that... It's so cute, and...
I've started insulting myself again. Not verbally, of course, that would be silly. No, mentally. Every moment is opportunity for an insult, every action I take turns into a put-down toward myself, and should I not be doing anything noteworthy, I complain to myself about what a waste of space I am, and that I should be dead. It's so frustrating... In Maths today I found it difficult to breath because whenever I inhaled, it stung me in my chest to know that I was still alive for at least another few seconds... It really feels horrible...
I was thinking at work about the Débutante. Since girls invite guys, I was inevitably not invited, and had it been the other way around, my solidarity would have been doubly guaranteed. But why would anyone want to invite me? I'm decent at ballroom dancing, but who'd want to spend what would probably one of their happiest nights of their teenage lives with me? That would ruin everything.
Stepping back a moment, what's the point of a débutante? It's not like the majority of girls aren't going to turn into nightclub-frequenting slutbags anyway, so they'll more than likely already have a social introduction in the form of unprotected sex in a bar's bathroom... Why don't socially inept people like myself get a celebration where we can... Oh, I'm not even going to finish that sentence because it's so stupid.
Anyway, I honestly can't think of anyone I still know who might be compatible with me. I tend to be annoying to the vast majority of people, and those who don't find me annoying are either male, spoken for, or both. Maybe when I go to University then I can entice some girl with the prospect that I'm quite well-off thanks to my parents for long enough that I can fool myself into believing someone could love me... I think even that is a stretch of the imagination, unfortunately.