All of my shit

Okay, so instead of clogging this forum with all my threads, I decided to put them all here. I'll just add a reply to this every time something else happens.

So, I had a shitty day today. I don't know why, but everything I did seemed to bother me. I woke up with a bad attitude so my mother yelled at me. I started crying at work today because I couldn't stop thinking about how nobody loves me and that I'm so ugly... Half of the people I know have girlfriends, and those that don't have had them before... I feel so pathetic I want to curl up and die slowly and painfully... Tonight I ate a whole family block of chocolate to try and forget things, but it just made me sick and I have a sore throat... Sometimes I just wish I'd fade away... I'm certain no-one would miss me, and I'd stop being such an inconvenience to others... It's a win/win for everyone but me... But who gives a shit about me? Even I don't, so why should anyone else?
All I've wanted to do is go to sleep since I woke up, and now I can't because my brother and his butt buddy are watching movies (the TV is on the other wall from my bedroom...) and I keep talking to Eliza... I sort of wish I didn't know er so I wouldn't worry about her so much... But I doubt she still cares about me... She still texts me, but only because I got angry at her once...
I hate complaining. I know there are so many people who have it worse off than me, but... I just can't think about anyone else because I'm an asshole... I know I should be thankful for what I have, but... It's all just empty, loveless nothing to me... It's like being colourblind. Everything is there, but it lacks depth, emotion... I hate myself, I hate everyone else, I hate eveything... I feel like ending my life because I don't have anyone to bother living for... At work, at one point, I found myself wishing a thief would come in and hold a gun to my head, just so I could laugh and say,
"Go ahead, I want to die anyway."
I hate everything. Especially me. I hate myself more than anything. I'm ugly, I'm nasty, I'm rude, I'm vulgar, I'm repulsive, and there's nothing attractive about me... My psychologist says that females are attracted to intelligence, but I think that's the second-largest lie I've ever heard. If it was true, I'd be beating females off with a stick. Well I'm not. Know who is? The handsome, attractive, brainless ones. And that's because it makes sense genetically. People are programmed to want to mate with the most physically perfect being so that their offspring will share those traits. That's why I like good looking females (that and because I'm a shallow asshole), and why females like good looking males.
Furthermore, there was a big party I wasn't invited to; big surprise. I feel excluded. I feel like I'm in a group of my own... I hate being the way I am, but if I change, then I'm not me. And if I'm not me, who am I? And who is me? And if they're me, how can they be me because they are they?
That's enough for now I guess.

Am I going to have to book a flight to australia track you down and bitch slap you till you see sense, you are not ugly I've seen you, you are a sweet guy, to me anyway, and I adore tha pants off of you. Pull it together man!

People. I hate people. I hate people more than I hate everything else in the world, and indeed te universe. Why? Because people are stupid. I hate people because I don't understand how on Earth they can be so fucking dumb and still manage to go 24 hours without cutting their own fingers off! People shit me! I hate people! At least 99% of the population is stupid. I can't stand stupid people, they make me frustrated and angry... I just want to beat the shit out of them! People make me so mad... They go on and on about what they did today, who's party their going to, what music they listen to... With so many gramatical errors I literally start tearing my hair out at least every 3 conversations!
Another thing that shits me about people is respect. People demand respect; even though they're too dumb to tie their own shoelaces. My bastard of a father demands respect from me like I'm some sort of beast, but he doesn't give a shit about anything else. He has no right to expect me to do anything he says at all! He didn't take an interest in my life until I turned the fucking television off while he was watching it, and even then it was only until my mother got angry and yelled at me...
Why? I can't stand people... They make no sense at all... I cant stand people... I really, truly wish I never had to look another person in the eyes for as long as I live. I hate people so much. It drives me to want to die, how much other people annoy me. I feel that if I can't deal with people there's not much point in going on, is there? I mean, what can I possibly do to avoid people? They're everywhere, scurrying around like rats, leaving rubbish and filth in their wake, disrespecting animals and the environment, each other... I hate them. I wish I could die so their incessant squabling over who's hair is more attractive or which football team is the best, along with their primitive and infantile grasp on the beauty and complexity that is the English language would stop!
I can't stand those who refuse to learn and use their language to it's full potential. Language is truly majestic. It can do what no amount of money, nor bloodhed can acomplish. It can bring people together. It unites us. Nothing disgusts me more than those who have been given language and choose to rub it into the dirt with their filthy gramatical mistakes and unforgivable misconjugations... It repulses me to the core that people have the nerve to chose not to use their language correctly. They have been given, for free, the most amazing thing a person can receive, and they chose to befoul it with their fetid and rancid mispronunciations and mispellings.
Urgh, people... If I ever get my point across to the greater mass of imbeciles then maybe they could finally wrap their empty heads around concepts like 'peace', 'unity' and 'logic'... Ignorami...

Today (Or more accurately, tonight (or more accurately, this morning, since it just coiled over to 12)) I'm lonely.
I tend to strike people as the sort of person who likes to be alone, and that's true to an extent. Secretly, I'd really like to be alone with someone...
No, that doesn't make sense...
What I mean is, I want a companion to be with all the time, but most of the time just be with them and no-one else, just us. That's a better explanation. I want someone who feels completely comfortable around me, so much so that they aren't bothered by telling me their darkest secrets, and I want to trust them enough to want to do the same... I want someone who understands me, who can understand whatever it is that goes on in my head that makes me cry myself to sleep every other night, who knows why I hurt and can tell when something's wrong... Because I always say the opposite of what I mean, because I want people to ask me what's wrong...
Mostly, I just want someone... I feel isolated and alone... I'm literally less that 10 metres away from someone, and yet I feel like I'm the only person in the world, and that this horrid feeling, this cold, stabbing, aching pain in my heart will go away...
I sound like such a stereotype but it's true...
I know deep down that I try and push people away. I test how much they care about me by telling them progressively worse things about myself, just to see how far they stretch. It's horrible that I use people like that... I hate myself for it, but it's subconscious...
I hate crying... I feel so weak when I cry, like my tears are my strength, and it's flowing away from my body because I'm so pathetic... I know I should shut up because I'm a self-centered prick who no-one can last 5 minutes with, but I feel like I'll explore if I don't get this out...
I'm ugly... I'm so ugly... I wish I was dead, I'm so horrible... I don't want to hurt people with my words, but I think I've grown into the flavortext of Niv-Mizzet, the Firemind; As brilliant as a cut diamond, but with just as sharp an edge.
I don't want to be an asshole, it's just instinctual. I hate it. I know no-one could ever love me fo who I am because I'm a horrible person... No-one loves horrible people, they die alone and cold and miserable... That's how I am... Alone and cold and miserable...
I don't see my psychologist again until July, but I don't think it's helping... I don't feel any better...
I wish someone could understand... I hate this life... It's a stupid thing to complain about, I know. Statistically I'm in the top 10% of the whole world. I have money, I go to a good school, I get great grades... But I feel empty inside... Everyone assumes I'm emotionless because I try to be. I act that way because I'm scared of rejection by the fee peers I have...
I feel weak... Males aren't supposed to feel this way... Males are supposed to be tough and not cry and be strong... I'm a bad male... No wonder females hate me, I'm a pathetic excuse for a male... I'm a pathetic excuse for a person...
I'm certain if a female did show interest in me I'd just tell them they don't want to get involved because I have too many problems... That's what Eliza told me, but she didn't seem to ubderstan that I wanted to help her... I wouldn't either, I'd hazard... But it's silly to assume any female would be interested in one as uninteresting as myself.
Sometimes I like to close my eyes and picture a mirror. In that mirror I see the future. I see myself meeting a beautiful girl, getting married, having kids, lots of money, great job... Then I visualize smashing that mirror with a sledgehammer, because my dreams are stupid and unrealistic. I don't believe in dreams. People always say to follow your dreams but I disagree. If everyone has their head in the clouds, how can they see what's going on in reality?
Don't dream. Dreaming is for those too lazy for reality. Dreaming is for those with time to waste. I don't have time to waste. Most of my time is spent panicking, and rightly so. I'll probably never stop worrying about unimportant shit... I hope I can take a pill for that.
I want to go somewhere where the pain stops... I want someone to come into my life who'll hold me and tell me things will be okay and that I'll feel better and that they love me... That I mean something to them, that I'm something to someone, instead of nothing to anyone... But I know that wishing these things is stupid because there's no such things as wishes. Glorified dreams.
But still... I just want someone to say they love me, and kiss me... I just want to feel connected with someone...
Hollowness sucks...
Dreams are dreams, and should remain so.
My tears taste bad... I wish they'd go away now, I'm done writing....

Heres something to look forward to Damian, when you are old enough and cane leave home...I want you to marry me. Im serious, I feel like I've known you forever and Im hapy you always share your troubles with me and that you appriciate when I try to help you. You have more of a heart then anyone I know and you are alot stronger then you realize, you've hung on this long I know a few more years will be no more difficult, you are a smart man and well if no one else can see that then that is their loss, you have a lot to give and I understand you are scared but as i have been before I will support you in any way I can. I love you.

Emma, that's a sweet sentiment, and I know how you feel, but marriage is not something you can just throw at a person. Living together, you may find, is much more dificult thn you thought. You might find then that you're looking at the stiuation through rose-tinted glasses at the moment, and that you'll regret it later in life. I'm not saying no, just that I think you should think a little more seriously before making those kinds of decisions.
Furthermore, you deserve much better than me... You deserve a nice, handsome boy who treats you great and is confident and sexy, the kind of guy you fantasize about. Not me. I deserve someone horrible, who makes my life a misery, then breaks my heart and dumps me... That's the way I deserve to feel, after all the time I've spent making the lives of others just as miserable as my own.

Fine I wont argue, but I will tell you this is not something I thought about at random, I have been thinking about it since fs went down. Wondering if I'd ever speak to you again.

I won't like, Emma, I frequently wonder what my life would be like if I settled down with you. I wonder when you'd want kids, what kind of house we'd live in, etc.
I know how you feel, I feel the same. But you might find I'm a lot worse in real life than you imagined.
I was only worried about losing you until I remembered your forum. I scoured about 50 pages of google results before I found this place, but I was so glad when I did.

I will want kids someday Im just not thinking about them right now. I dont mind where we live so long as the neighbours are nice :3 dont worry about me not liking you, chances are we'll both be on computers at home, or working, then we get to actually cuddle and talk to each other more openly. Yes it will be hard I am totaly aware of that, and it will take time adjusting to it.
heh look at me talking about it as if it's somthing that is going to happen in a few days, sorry this is probably making you feel worse.

No, no, it's actually making me feel better. Being the structural, organized person I am, having some form of plan makes me feel better, as though I can know that on this day of this year, things will get better. A guaranteed date.
Thank you, sweetie... You made me feel a bit better... Not lots, but I'm not as bad as I was last night. Thanks.
*Kisses your cheek*

^///^ Im glad I could be of help hun.

So yesterday I was riding my bike home from school. There's a big hill I coast down every day tht starts at my school and finishes at a main street. It takes about 45 seconds to go down without pedalling.
So I started coasting down, and this is what I thought:
Where is my life going? Why do I even bother going to school? It feels like they're trying to restrict me, confine me to their stupid little mould they've poured for me. What if I don't want to fit the mould? What if I choose not to do as they say, todo my own work?
But the problem is that they don't care. If I stop working, what difference will it make? They don't care, they'd just mark me down and push me along. That's not how the education system should work. People are individuals. They should be taught as they think. That way, things sink in better.
But where is my life going? What do I have to look forward to? What's stopping me from not pressing these breaks when I get to the bottom of this hill? Why shouldn't I just keep going and get hit by a car? Who would miss me? Who would even notice?
Emma. Emma would miss me. Emma would notice. That's all. You were the only reason I pulled the brakes at the bottom of that hill yesterday, sweetie. I love you, Emma. You're so important to me, I can't put it into words.

Aww hun, that put tears in my eyes, I love you too Damian. I can't wait to be yours. <3

I KNow this was a long time ago but.... Damian I'm glad I'm friends with you ^^
And if anytime you need to talk E-mail me or something. I'm always bored and always willing to give you my 2 cent advise.
^^
Also... I dont give a flying fuck if your ugly er not. I'm Chunky... and people tend not to like fat people for some odd reason. But i believe chunky people are the best because there is more to love and we are reeeeeally fluffy.
Besides that... If you were to poof off this earth i would be Quite pissed that i never really go to know you more. i would cry because the guy who can be angry at my father for me more then i can for myself would be gone. the guy who is outrageously smart and talented is no longer able to Rp with me and help me expand my ridiculously horrible RP Skills.
I would be really upset....And you can choose not to believe this or you can. But its the truth my Dear and im sticking to it. Regaurdless of what anyone has to say about it.

<3

For the record, HiDDEN, sweetie, I don't believe it. Sorry. But I don't understand why anyone could feel anything like that for me.

So, today, our school held their annual fête. There were somewhere around 800 people there. I was flitting through the crouds like the social butterfly I am (just kidding. I stumbled through awkwardly and got yelled at a lot), and I saw so many happy adolescent couples that I started crying and had to run off. I was sniffing quietly at the back of the stadium (my school owns a basketball stadium), and one of the teachers found me. They tried to take me to the school counsellor but I refused because i told them I was seeing a psychologist.
I couldn't justify my actions to my friends because they wouldn't understand how i felt... I doubt most people think about in the same context as me. They just want a girlfriend/boyfriend for the social status it brings...
I want it because it's been said that it's the most amazing thing, to experience love in adolescence...
Most people wouldn't think of it in a time context. I want it because I'm running out of time.
Time is the most precious commodity. Nothing is worth more than my time. I would take nothing for my time, as time is unreclaimable. I can make money. I can get things. I can't buy more time. That's why I'm so passionate about this... Because I can tell I will look back on this in my future and regret it. But I'm far too petrified to change it...

Aww sweetie

So today I'm lonely.
I was sitting at my computer today, and I thought about how everyone else would be having such a good time, hanging out together. My friends all went to the mall together, but I wasn't invited... So I sat alone and played pokemon all day...
Just now I'm lying in bed and crying, thinking about how I've never known love, and am going to be one of the ones who misses out.
I think about sometimes in class I put my head down and close my eyes, and my mind seems to push everyone else a million miles away... And I sit there, surrounded by people and feeling like the loneliest boy in the world... I sit there and think about how much I hate how life crushed my dreams, how much I want the constant hollowness in my heart to stop... I think about how jealous I am of those who take their relationships for granted... I think about how i envy the confident, the handsome, the dignified, about how clumsy and ugly and shy I am... I just want to hold someone, to hold them and have them hold me... Physical contact... I want them to be proud to have me at their side, to want to be seen with me...
I'd be lucky to even get someone at all... I have no chance of succeeding... My dream will be crushed again... I hate this... Every time I try and get a foothold, life kicks me down two pegs, happiness three, love five and reality ten. I tried to be attractive an it failed. Females still think I'm ugly. Why shouldn't they? I am. I'm beyond ugly. I'm hideous. I'm a monster.
I wanted to be a quantum physicist. I wanted to work with subatomic particles and investigate quarks and gluons and antimatter... Well, life kicked me in the balls and laughed when I found out that my mathematics is nowhere near par for that hole...
I just wanted female friends, some people of the opposite sex to hang out with and talk to. Yeah? That's still too far fetched. I didn't, couldn't even try... Far too scared... Fear stops me from everything, and that which it doesn't stop me from I fail at... I'll fail at everything... I'm just a great big failure... All I wanted was to taste happiness and life gave me grumpiness and bitterness... So I'm going to grow old and die alone, cold and tired, in a hospital bed... I'm going to die alone just like I deserve... Life crushed my dreams of having an amazing job or experiencing young love... Why would it stop there? Why not go the whole hog and not let me have children either? Fuck, why don't you just give me cancer now, life? Save all of us some time.
Dreams are just that. Dreams. Anyone who tells you to dream and make your dreams come true is an idiot. People who believe seriously that they're dreams will come true have got another thing coming. Dreams are just dreams. Nothing more. Don't ever let yourself think they'll come true, because you'll just end up disappointed and sad.
As said in Les Miserables:

I had a dream my life would be
so different from this Hell I'm living,
so different now from what it seemed,
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Okay, now I'm legitimately fucking terrified.
So I told you girls about Eliza, right? The one who drinks and smokes and has depression?
Well, she texted me at 1 AM last night to say she was admitted to hospital because she overdosed on painkillers and her antidepressants. Those drugs are fucking dangerous. I've barely had any sleep, I'm so worried about her... I'm so scared of loosing her... She's the only female who ever showed the slightest inkling of interest in me IRL, and if she dies I'll be back to having no-one... Even if she's cold, manipulative, and scares the shit out of me, at least I have someone... Gods, what am I going to do? If she dies I'll be such a wreck...

*Sigh*
I woke up at 4:30 this morning because I needed to do something, then couldn't get back to sleep. So I thought about how much I feel my life sucks...
I know it's a horrible thing to say because statistically I'm one of the richest people in the world, and some starving children in africa would cut their arm off with a rusty hacksaw to swap lives with me, but I do hate my life...
I don't feel love in my life... Or anything interesting for tht matter... It's all study, work and rest. Study, work and rest. Study, work and rest. Every day. The only excoetion is when we go on holidays, and I hate travelling...
I just want someone to hold... I want someone with whom I can be affectionate and caring, show at least them that I'm not really a heartless monster... Someone who shivers when I touch their skin, who I want and who wants me back... I just want one person... Just one, to say that they love me... Is that too much to ask?

Today I feel ugly.
So I fell of my bike today just outside the front of the school. People laughed.
When I got home, I had a shower and studied my injuries; then I got to thinking about how ugly I was, am. I can barely stand to look at myself. I'm shaped so weirdly... I have feminine hips, but broad shoulders. Long legs and arms, but a smaller torso. Long fingers, small hands. I have too much hair... Everywhere I look, it's there... It's gross, it doesn't suit and I hate it... I think I'm too fat, but I weigh 54 kilos. I think my thigh are too big and so are my calves.. Everywhere I touch I feel fat.
I compulsively chew on my nails and fingers. Dermatillexomania and dermatophagia. Pluss whatever nails is.
I'm covered in moles, damn ugly things are everywhere... Most are small but I have a big one on my arm that I hate...
And pimples. Loads of the bastards. I can basically run a fingernail along my face and get huge globs of puss because of all the pimples below the surface. And if you think that sounds gross, imagine wearing it on your face.
Worst, though, possibly, are my eyes. I absolutely hate them. I used to not give them much thought. Hell, I actually didn't mind them for a while. but now I can't stand to look at them. Why?
Because they're hollow. When I look in the mirror, I see a shell stating back. A hollow, empty person, with little emotion, little empathy, poor self-esteem, lack of confidence, no realistic goals, no aspirations, etc. Basically, I'm not really a person. It hurts my heart to think that way but it's true. I'm a real asshole, and it's in my nature because all I'm ever going to be is lonely.
Other than the mental instability, internal emotional trauma and 4 suicide attempts, I think I've done pretty well for a heartless monster. At least I've got a little intelligence. Emphasis on 'little'.

So...
Yesterday night I got really depressed (worse than usual) about how ugly I am. I was kinda crying in my bed, and thinking about trying to kill myself again. I told Eliza, and she said she wasn't going to take my attempt seriously and that I was crying out for attention. I was.
I did want her attention, and I told her that.
I only wanted her attention because she's the only female in my life (I don't count you, Akumamika, or you, HiDDEN, because really I don't know you... I mean, I know who you are, but I've never really... Well, you know), and I... Well I want female attention because I don't get it...
Anyway, so one thing led to another and she told me to go fuck myself and to delete her phone number and never text her again.
Today, she decided to make me so jealous, the bitch. She came up to all my friends in the library and started hanging off them and getting all "friendly". I had to sit there and watch her be all playful and sweet, I felt like telling them all her secrets. But I bit my tongue because I'm better than her.
I did leave afterward, though. Fucking slut spoiled my mood fr the maths test we had afterward...

/i think you should delete her number then, you want a female's attention not a souless whore of a girl. You can do better sweety just stay strong.

I kept her number so I can give it to people to prank call er in future. ^.^

Been a while since I've posted here, but I'm sick of waiting for my psych appointment and I'm hurting.
So, after a little research, I believe I've isolated my problem.
Apparently, there are two main types of loneliness; social and emotional. Social is where you feel like you don't have any friends. Emotional is basically separation anxiety when you don't have anything to be separated from. I believe I suffer from the latter.
Now I just need a solution. Wikipedia suggests getting a pet, but my family already has 2 cats and a dog, and my mother wouldn't let me keep a mouse or a rat for my room. I had a fish once but you can hardly direct affection to a fish. Also it died and I was sad.
My close friend Sam broke up with her boyfriend recently. She said it was because of someone else, and part of me wanted that someone to be me, but the part of me that makes me feel this way told me it wasn't, and as usual, that part was right.
Worse, I won't even have her as a friend next year because she's going to a different school. I'm more than certain she'll want nothing to do with me after that. Also, her new boyfriend is not only smarter than me, but also better-looking, athletic, and just generally better than me, so it's no real surprise that she chose him.
I digress. More than anything, I want someone (or even someTHING) that I can direct my attention towards so I don't feel empty anymore... Emma and I hardly talk anymore, the girl I wrote to to help me feel better thought it best if we stopped talking, Sam has stopped texting me... I've got no-one at all of the opposite sex in my life. And no-one of my sex would understand how I feel. And even if theydid, I couldn't ask them because they'd make fun of me.
I haven't eaten anything since this morning, and I don't care. I'm fucking hungry though... But I'd rather not eat, because I sure as hell don't want to be fat(er). That would only make things worse.
I still cry all the time. Mostly because no-one loves me.
I've been hunting around for Sodium Sulphate, I think it's called. If I get some and mix it with Hydrochloric Acid from my pool cleaning stuff, I can make hydrogen sulphide gas, which is highly toxic. I can use it to kill myself quite easily. Unfortunately, Sam has been anything but helpful, despite the fact that her father works at a hardware store (sodium sulphide is a fungicide).
Every time I look down, all I can see is my stomach, which forms a very obvious bulge. I believe I'm gaining weight, and it's depressing.
The above method of suicide is becoming more and more attractive as the days go by. I'm sick of everything, nothing makes me happy, I snap at people, every task seems to take forever... All I want to do is make it end so I don't have to feel alone anymore...
I just want someone who gets me. But I have no idea how to find that person, or how to recognize them if/when I do. But I'm sick of being lonely. It's the most horrible thing I can imagine. I'd honestly rather be dead. Every day is just another 12 hours of the same nonsense, before going to bed and crying for 3 hours before going to sleep.
Honestly, I don't know why I'm still going. Maybe I'm just too stubborn to know what's good for me. All I know is that I'm running out of steam, out of strength, out of willpower. Soon there's not going to be anything between me and a cold, long, empty nothingness.

Damian..Im sorry. I shouldn't have left you to deal with this on your own, please, feel free to talk to me whenever you wish. I will do whatever I can to make you feel even the slightest bit better.