All of my shit

Don't be sorry, Emma. I understand. I was overwhelming you, and I shouldn't have. You were stressed out enough without me as well. I'm very high-maintenance, I know, and if that gets to you it's fine.
I just feel... Alone. Like no-one understands me, no-one wants me, no-one loves me... Very, very alone. And it hurts. A lot. I doubt there's much you could do for me, but your words mean a lot.
I just wish I could feel loved... That's what I want, more than anything else. I'd give everything; all my intelligence, money, house, health, anything. I'd live on the streets in a cardboard box an eat nothing but bread and water for my whole life if it meant I had someone who wanted to be by my side through every step of life, and who would never judge me or find anything I say offensive...
I just want someone to direct affection to. Without that I feel like a cold, heartless monster.

Damian I do love you, you are my friend and have been my friend for years now, nothing will change that, and if anyone deserves all the love and affection in the world it is you. You just have to see that, you canpull through you are stronger then you think you are and I know it. You've come this far whats a little further?

I have come this far, Emma, and I've fought and kicked and screamed and struggled for every step forward. And where has it got me? I'm no better off than when I started, and I have no goal to head towards... I can't see anything to do but give up.
I don't deserve affection, Emma. I'm nasty. I'm mean and spiteful and horrible, and that's why people hate me, and that's why no-one would love me. What other reason could there be?

You are not horrable, dont let other people get to you, you are you and you should be happy about that. No one else can take that from you, yes you struggled, find me someone who doesn't struggle in life, everyone has problems, some more then others. But just think, it's worth it in the end, find yourself a goal and work towards it, never take your eyes off it or you will find there are more obsticals in your path then succsesses. Trust me on this you can do this!

As much as I don't want to... I trust you, Emma. I want love, that's what I want to be my goal. How do I do it?

You wont find love it will find you. Set your sights on a career driven goal or even a fitness one. If you want to feel happier go for a jog ten minutes a day, listen to music, distract yourself for a short time every day. You need you time, trust me this absolutly works. You exercise you release happy hormones and you get fitter, you say you worry about your weight, you probably don't need to but this will help that too. It will boost your confidence and that is garunteed to get you noticed. ;3

But my family will laugh at me if I say I'm going jogging... I don't want THEM laughing at me too...
And I doubt 10 minutes of running a day will make girls attracted to me. I doubt that very seriously.

Then dont tell them just say you are going out. And who gives a crap you arent doing it for them you are doing it for you.

Mother would be angry at me if I went out without telling here where...
I do cycle to and from school every day. That's 10 minutes each way. Wouldn't that be the same?

I didn't say dont tell her where you are going, just dont tell her you are jogging. Yes the cycling will do you good but what about after school or weekends, holidays? if you feel down just go out and have a short run/jog/walk just to clear the air a bit. Stop finding excuses not to and just go for it. you are holding yourself back, no one else.

Okay, Emma, I'll try... But that doesn't solve the loneliness... It doesn't help the remainder of the situation. I'm still alone, just alone and jogging...

You wont be the only one jogging, if you pass someone else who is out and about ask them if you could join them. Be polite and just keep going, eventually people will talk to you if you look approachable. Whatever attitude you have people will pick up on.

Honestly, if you feel like you need someone to talk to, I am always here and I am sure there are people like Cameron who understand what you are going through and would like to help.

Are you joking? I only knew Cameron through Sam, and I assume you've heard they broke up since my post implied it, so I really doubt he's the best option. Besides, my appointment with Morrie is Thursday.

Yet they are still friends, and he is still involved in this LARP thing.

Sam says he's been bitching about her. And he probably isn't because of that.
Oh, shit, we had a scare the other day. Hermans and Josh and Sam came over to muck around a bit. We went out to the oval and we didn't notice because she had her sunglasses on, but Sam passed out. We had to revive her slowly with water and take her back to the house. Dear fuck that was scary. Jesus, it could have been so much worse...

How did she pass out?

Heat stroke

Honestly, What do you think the cause of your being depressed is?

Probably loneliness and lack of self-esteem

Why do you ask?

When did you start feeling depressed?

Probably just over 12 months ago now. Again, why?

What do you think sparked all this?

(Trying to be helpful).

Undoubtedly, Eliza's "interest" in me. Her giving me attention made me realise what it is like to feel loved, which started all this, and was the biggest curse placed on me, because I'm destined to be alone. Were I not a bigger person, I'd hold that against her, but it really wasn't her fault.